


If I Could Be Where You Are

by madrefiero



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Grief/Mourning, Mild Smut, Nat deserves better, Natasha Romanov Feels, Past Relationship(s), Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), winterwidow - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 10:42:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18689866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madrefiero/pseuds/madrefiero
Summary: This fic contains a major spoiler from Endgame, so if you haven't seen it, proceed at your own risk.When he'd come back from the snap, he looked for her as soon as the battle ended. He had to find her, had to tell her he remembered. He wanted to tell her in Wakanda, but there hadn't been time for anything besides battle preparations. And now? Now it was too late. He hadn't told her and now she was gone, sacrificed for the Soul Stone to give them a small chance of defeating Thanos. Part of him wanted to take it out on Barton and ask him why he let her, but he knew deep down that it was her choice. She always was too good for the Red Room.





	If I Could Be Where You Are

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this fic is a song by Enya. The lyrics are so sad and fitting for what I felt after Endgame. 
> 
>  
> 
> Where are you this moment?  
> Only in my dreams.  
> You're missing, but you're always  
> A heartbeat from me.  
> I'm lost now without you,  
> I don't know where you are.  
> I keep watching, I keep hoping,  
> But time keeps us apart.
> 
> Is there a way I can find you,  
> Is there a sign I should know,  
> Is there a road I could follow  
> To bring you back home?
> 
> Winter lies before me  
> Now you're so far away.  
> In the darkness of my dreaming  
> The light of you will stay.
> 
> If I could be close beside you  
> If I could be where you are  
> If I could reach out and touch you  
> And bring you back home  
> Is there a way I can find you  
> Is there a sign I should know  
> Is there a road I can follow  
> To bring you back home to me?

He stood at a distance, a shadow, a ghost from the past of the woman whose name was on the stone marker freshly placed in the ground. He wouldn't intrude on the family that meant so much to Natalia, but he couldn't bear not to give her a final goodbye. In another lifetime she was his family too, or as close as he had in the darkest part of his life. Deep down, he knew she always would be. That didn't make the the sting of her loss any less painful though. He stepped further back into the treeline surrounding the farm just as Clint turned and looked in his direction. This wasn't his moment and he knew that. James Barnes would wait until they were all back inside before saying his goodbye.

* * *

“Bruce, please,” his voice was thick with the grief that he hadn't been able to hide entirely.

When he'd come back from the snap, he looked for her as soon as the battle ended. He had to find her, had to tell her he remembered. He wanted to tell her in Wakanda, but there hadn't been time for anything besides battle preparations. And now? Now it was too late. He hadn't told her and now she was gone, sacrificed for the Soul Stone to give them a small chance of defeating Thanos. Part of him wanted to take it out on Barton and ask him why he let her, but he knew deep down that it was her choice. She always was too good for the Red Room.

Bruce shook his head. “I don't like it. I don't like it, but I understand...more than you know.”

Bucky took the suit from the large, green, hand of Bruce Banner, and pulled it on over what he was wearing. He needed to go now before Steve or Sam came to talk him out of it. He couldn't explain why he needed to do this without telling more of the story than he wanted to share, so it had to be now while everyone was still distracted with their grief over Tony.

Bruce showed him how to work the time GPS device on his hand, turned on the machine, and after a quick confirmation that he was sure, Bucky was hurtling through the Quantum Realm to the past. He landed in the Wakandan palace, five years in the past, the night before the battle against Thanos. To him, it felt like only days since he'd been there, the sounds and smells still familiar and comforting to his senses. He crept down a long corridor to the room he knew was Nat's and knocked softly on the door.

“Nat?” He half-choked on her name and hoped he could do this without losing control of his emotions. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Natalia, can I come in?”

When the door opened, her expression was neutral, if not a little suspicious. God, what if she didn't remember? She furrowed her brows but let him in, laying the small dagger in her hand back on the nightstand. She still hadn't spoken, clearly waiting on him to say something, but he could read her eyes the same as he did all those years ago. This was her defense. She didn't hold her cards so close to her chest all those years ago, that was something else he'd taught her.

“I...Natalia,” he managed before she interrupted.

“Spit it out, Barnes. You look like you just saw a ghost.”

He had to smile at that, even if there was a sadness behind it. She was always so perceptive.

“I'm not the Bucky from this timeline. He's still here, asleep down the hall.” He probably shouldn't have even said that, but confusing this Bucky was probably not the best idea. He didn't even know if what he was saying made sense. “I know it sounds crazy, but I had to see you again before tomorrow. There's so much I want to say, Natalia, but I can't. I just want you to know, I need you to know that I remember you.”

He wasn't sure when he'd crossed the room and closed the distance between them, but when he finished talking, he was kneeling on the floor beside the bed, looking up at her. His hands held her smaller ones, and he understood it was only because she allowed it. One didn't simply invade the Black Widow's space without consequences unless she wanted you to.

“Do you remember it all? Our time together when I was young?”

Her voice was soft, contemplative, and far more tender than anyone else got to hear. Bucky wished they had more time, but this was it. A few stolen minutes, hours if he was selfish, and then they would be torn apart again, this time permanently. He threaded their fingers together, brushing her skin with his thumbs, one metal, one flesh. When he met her eyes again, it was as if the years had all melted away.

“Yeah, I remember everything, Natalia. And you were the one good thing in all of it.

“What on earth am I going to do with you, milii moi? Why does this feel like goodbye?”

“Because it is,” he sighed and leaned his head against her thigh. Even that was saying too much. “I should go...let you sleep. You've got a big fight ahead of you.”

He made to stand, but she tightened her hold on his hands, her eyes searching for the answers he wouldn't give her.

“James, stay.”

She traced the lines on his hands with her fingertips, then did the same to the lines on his face. He leaned into her touches, letting his eyes close, afraid he wouldn't be able to hide the truth from her. She was so close that her scent invaded his space, overwhelming his senses as it wrapped around him, and when her lips brushed his, he gave himself over to her completely. Nothing less than a lifetime would truly he enough for him, but he could live with this as his last memory of her. 

Nat stood and pulled him up with her, looking younger and far more innocent than she was. She pulled off her nightshirt and stood before him, bare as the day she was born. Be cupped her face then, kissing her deeply, as if he had all the time in the world. He knew this was the last time he would see her, and wanted to savor every second he could steal. He explored her body, memorizing all her scars. Some were old and familiar, some new. He kissed his apologies over the ones he left and some he didn't, only brought out of his reverie by the soft sound of her voice.

“Hey now, loverboy, we don't have all day,” she teased without any bite as she helped him out of his clothes

“I know, I just needed a moment.”

When he looked at her, his lashes were wet. If she noticed, and she always noticed, she didn't say anything. She let him take his time with her, let him ease her back onto the mattress and kiss his way between her thighs. Once his mouth was on her, he kissed her slowly, savoring her taste as if it were his last meal. He ran his tongue over every spot he knew she loved, slipping his fingers inside her when she let her legs fall open. She still tasted exactly as he remembered and promised himself he would never forget. He kissed and licked at her, every touch pushing her  until she arched up off the bed and his name fell from her lips.

“James,” she breathed out in a whisper as she beckoned him up onto the mattress.

Bucky caught her lips and kissed her long and deep, pulling back only long enough to look into her eyes when he finally pushed inside her. With his fingertips on her pulse point, he murmured adorations against her skin, his words flowing easily between English and Russian. The steady thrum of her heart comforted him and kept him grounded in this moment, where she was still vibrant and so full of life. He groaned when she wrapped her legs around his waist and flipped them over, rolling her body in a way that almost made him forget about why he was here.

They moved together as fluidly as always, each of them anticipating the other's move before it happened. He sat up and kept her on his lap, those deadly thighs wrapped around his waist while he helped her move. They rocked together, chest against chest, bodies touching everywhere they could, working one another into a frenzy. Their kisses took on an air of desperation, as did their movements. His flesh hand roamed down her back and then up her torso, while his metal one held her securely against him. Her fingers were tangled in his hair while she panted his name.

“Natalia,” he said, her name a prayer on his tongue. “Я не могу жить без тебя.” (I can't live without you.)

Nat silenced him with a kiss before he could say anything else, her small frame clinging to him as she came. Her breath hitched, and she was gone again, shuddering and tightening around him. She was so warm and tight, so perfect that he couldn't hold off his own release any longer.

“James, please,” she urged, holding him tighter so he couldn't pull out.

He spilled inside her, filling her, his lips pressed against the side of her neck. He kept his eyes closed and tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. Neither of them was keen to talk, so he pulled her down to curl against his side on the bed. He couldn't speak now without his voice cracking, cheeks wet with the tears he hadn't been able to stop. He chanced a look down at her and found unwashed tears in her eyes. She always was better at keeping her emotions in check than he was. He sighed and wrapped his arms around her, tracing patterns on her back.

“I'm sorry I didn't tell you until now. I remembered you before Berlin. I wish I would've said something. I wish we had more time.”

Bucky stayed as long as she could, watching her sleep until the sun rose over the mountains at the edge of Wakanda. He pressed a chaste kiss to her lips and did his best to get out of bed without waking her. Only once he was dressed did she speak, her voice husky with sleep.

“You have to go back.”

It wasn't a question as much as it was a statement, and God he wish it wasn't true. He wanted to stay here with her forever. After he dressed he gave her one last kiss goodbye, lingering until he knew someone would be knocking on her door soon to bring her to breakfast.

“Yeah, I have to go back. Just remember, okay. Remember I'll always love you. And no matter what, it's okay. It's all okay”

* * *

James waited until all five Bartons were back inside before he left the cover of the woods and approached the memorial marker with Nat's name on it. He didn't bother trying to hide his emotions anymore. For the second time, he'd lost the love of his life. The thought of carrying on without her was unappealing, but there wasn't another choice. Sam would need him to watch his back. He pulled his dog tags from around his neck and placed them on Nat's marker. Before he could leave, he felt a firm hand on his shoulder. 

“She loved you, you know.”

He turned to see Clint standing there, looking at him like he knew exactly how he felt. He was glad she had family, even if it wasn't him.

“I never even realized how lost I was without her. But I always was. I was just some lost soldier who forgot he ever had a home… until she gave me one.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, but there's no way that the Bartons didn't have some sort of memorial service for her. And there's no way (in my own little BuckyNat world) that Bucky wouldn't have acknowledged her sacrifice. 
> 
> Also, this hasn't been beta read yet, so I may make a few minor changes after that happens.


End file.
